:(

this site was left blank for quite some time.. the only excuse was BUSY.
if you ask me what i'm busy with.. i can't answer your question, coz i also dunno what i'm busy with.. you know.. time passes so quick... and the things that i should have done was not completed and stuff..
and.., i just pop in to carve something on this page this very moment... WHY? coz felt led to this page suddenly... which means no one is free out there to listen to me.. so, this page have to suffer the carving comes from my messed up mind.. sorry, dear..

yeah.. my mind.. is like a ready-to-burst-volcano now.
everything in my mind, just that the brain does not function very well to process those informations and make conclusions.
so, everything inside was halfway stucked as the time does not stop ticking for a moment to let me think until i concluded things in my mind.

which to decide? i don't have the answer.
everything jammed.
foundation then degree or diploma then degree?
1year foundation+4years degree=5years to become degree holder.
of course, accomodation, transport, uniform, tuition fee and living expenses all on own..
loan? yes, only for degree programme, which is abt 65k. how bout foundation? 10k plus.. some more living expenses and travel fees?
if only i get the scholarship for the foundation.. applied some, still waiting for the reply...
while waiting, the fear came.. WHAT IF i don't even get one of all i applied?
asking people around me, they drive me to diploma..
3years diploma+ 2years working experience+ 2years degree=7years to hold a degree.
there are some hospitals are offering scholarship for this.
accomodation, transport, uniform, course fee and a monthly pocket money of RM500, all free.
with conditions, bonded to them for 5 years.
so, it will be like 3years diploma+ 5years bond+ 2years degree= 10years to get the degree cert.
and, i also dunno whether or not the time and my conditions allows me to continue with my degree by that time..
around 27years old back to school??
can i still remember those facts and can i manage my time well for my family and stuff?
i applied, though..
by the time i graduate, i'm in my early 30s.
so..., which to choose?

next, my driving test.
i failed my driving test the first time, on the 1st April.
the three point turn.. haiz.. :(
now have to resit the whole section again..
which cost me another 80bucks..
the date is 29th April..
in another 3weeks time..
i fear.
i fear i cannot do it..
people will say, fail again resit until you pass, why do you fear?
i fear, not because i'm affraid of failure..
i don't mind to fail 10times and pay another 800bucks to resit that test with my 1 month allowance..
i fear because i'm affraid i will break my instructor's heart again..
which i do not wish to see this taking place in my life..
she is such a wonderful person that i respect her so much..
i cannot fail this time..
i'm stressed.. :(

then, 2012. in another 2 years time.. are we, human race going to face huge problems?
are we all going to die?
of hunger? of climate changes? natural disaster? diseases?
researches has been done, result shows a bad report..
printed out in books and posted on internet sites..
proven by changes of environment around us..
pollutions.. wastage.. plants production decreased.. temperature changes..
the once was cool and comfortable earth is now having high fever..
with dirty blood flowing in its vein..
it was diagnose with skin and blood cancer!!!
we, the human race living inside it, was like drinking poison chemical, killing ourselves slowly..
and those after us have to suffer much more pain than us before they can meet Him face to face...
so, will all this happen??
if it's going to happen in 2 years time, should i continue with my degree or should i take diploma?
Or should i go into full time ministry?

and.. my brother, my sister..
i m not communicating well with them lately...
i m so stressed that i don't know how to come down to stand at their place and think of the situations and problems they're facing..
i m a bad sister..
which is so selfish and thinks only about my own self..
i have no one to attend to..
to talk with..
to listen to me..
about my problems.. my difficulties.. my sorrow..
i know..
everyone have their own problems..
busy with their own friends.. daily stuff..
i can find no one willing to stop by to share my burdens and i share theirs..
the only thing i can hear is complains..
complains about their things, their peoples and their work..
i wanna speak out loud, shout everything out..
but everyone ask me to shut up and pull my ears wide to listen to their unsatisfied..
even before i can open my mouth...

dear page, what can i do? will everything have a change? will i get my answers? will i find a true partner that hide nothing inside them for themselves?
what should i do now?
i know a time will come..
when it comes,
i have to come out with a conclusion,
whether or not it was processed from something or nothing..
i need to conclude,
to continue with my life..
and to live fully for Him..

"Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours." (1 Chronicles 29:11)